reentry

Back into my life.

 

Where was I? Where am I? After spending 3 weeks with my mother after my father’s death, I came home trying to get back to reality, highly aware that reality now means my father is gone. I felt like a stranger in my own house, a house that I was irritated to find smelled like old stinky socks even though Dennis swore he had cleaned several times while I was gone. My looms looked like foreign objects & the studio seemed a lifeless pit of non-creativity. I stared at the weaving in progress, the saguaro value study I had started & almost completed for the Heyden distance mentoring program & couldn’t even remember weaving it. I even had trouble remembering where to find the notes on the fingerboard when I began playing my cello again. Everything seemed to irritate me, I felt like I was completely uncomfortable in my own skin, like someone had slipped up & poured gritty sand underneath it while I wasn’t looking. Poor Dennis & the dogs have somehow managed to ride the storm of my emotional ups & downs that has been spewed their way during the last three weeks since I returned home.

Now I feel like I am surfacing to drink in light after swimming in murky darkness. I have had time to examine & sort out my feelings about-- the last years of my father’s life, his attitude & approach regarding life in general, & the days preceding his death --which I realize that the busy state I maintained at my mother’s (there wasn’t a day that passed where I wasn’t washing, sorting, scrubbing or organizing something) did not really allow me to do. My days are feeling happier, I feel like I belong here, the house is cleaner, & I have been slowly getting back into weaving as my focus returns. Um, by the way… I do owe it to Dennis to mention that while there was some errant dog hair tumbling about on the floors, the old stinky sock smell came from the odiferous pot of indigo dye that I had placed on top of the fridge in the hopes of resurrecting what I know now was my doomed first attempt at making an indigo dye bath. When I realized it was there, I suddenly knew what the source of the stink might be actually was. After brewing for 3+ weeks up there during my absence, yes, it was bad, very bad. And, yes, I did tell Dennis & I did apologize for my criticisms.

A good start to the new year, I have today finished weaving the saguaro study & have decided to name it saguaro oscuro. Tomorrow I will be able to finish the back & hems once it has a chance to rest over night since cutting it off this afternoon. Then I must package it up, along with the sketches I did for the assignment to send off to Silvia for her consideration & critique. Here’s a slide show of the progress while it was being woven:

 

While I was at my mother’s, I passed through her front room one bitter cold morning & was surprised by the sight of 5 or 6 large, gleaming black crows strutting about in her driveway. As long as I can remember, during times of worry or anticipation I have always been open to seeing & receiving a sign that things would turn out fine; I have always felt this to be a link to my Native heritage because the sign comes in the form of a beautifully unexpected encounter with some form of nature or environment. I have a website bookmarked that has “dictionaries” which define the meanings associated with different animals. This is what it had to tell me regarding the Crow:

Crow is a harbinger of change; spiritual, mental, and emotional. Life, death, rebirth, transition, magic, watchfulness, look for opportunities coming up, aids in ability to move spiritually and physically. Crow teaches to create and manifest things in our lives, all of life is waiting. He announces a newness on the horizon. Are you aware of the nuances in life? Are you listening to signs around you? Crow can give strength and show you how to maneuver in intuitions and insights. 

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who sent me cards, left comments on my last post, & sent me emails with kind thoughts, words, & poems. It is really hard for me to convey how much all of that meant to me.

I hope magical opportunities find each & every one of you as we start this new decade.

Happy New Year

Comments

[Rebecca Mezoff]

The saguaro oscuro piece is beautiful Lyn. Thank you for relating your journey with your father's death. And Happy New Year!

[Sue Schwarz]

glad you are back into your life routine, I enjoyed the link. I have been seeing hawks in the past few days. Interesting to know what they signify. I was in a class with Silvia in November and like your study. I have the information and need to get with the program doing the 'homework'. She is a lovely generous soul.